This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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