So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
