"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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