Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
