Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
