he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
