just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
