Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
