I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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