Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
