you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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