I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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