Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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