I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
