i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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