Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
