ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
