when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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