No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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