Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
