You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
