If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
