Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We talked him into tasing himself.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
