Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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