hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
