Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My day in three words: secret purse cake
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
