On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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