This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
