How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
