I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
