I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she looked like the before picture.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
