Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my being single is dangerous.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
