i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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