and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
