Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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