Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
