just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
