I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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