I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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