eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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