as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
