how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
