Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
