Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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