when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The air was thick with penises
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
