I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
