Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
