he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
