Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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