Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
