so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
